WFMW: Imparting My Wisdom

Y'all, I have a kid. I know what works for my kid.

Therefore, I'm an expert on kids. Are you following me, here?

(Ok, Ok...fine. I'm not an expert, and BBJ regularly lets me know it. However, for the sake of this post...let's just pretend I'm an expert on BBJ-type kids, and move on...shall we?)

For today's Works for Me Wednesday, I'd like to impart some of the wisdom I have gained while raising BBJ. Feel free to quote me, link me, worship me. Royalty Fees can be sent c/o Aunt LoLo, 123 I'm a Genius Drive.

(The pictures are of BBJ and Cousin Ernie last Easter. No, they have nothing to do with the post, but...let's face it: if I don't post pictures of The Kid, I'll lose about half my reader base. I know y'all are here just to see her!)

1. If your newborn likes to nurse, nurse. If they don't like to nurse, don't push it. If they are having regular wet diapers during the day, don't worry.

2. If your newborn hasn't had a bowel movement in a few days, and you're getting antsy, put a little vaseline on a clean thermometer, and, umm...yeah. It should move things along nicely. (Ask Wonder Woman sometime about the nice nurse who first demonstrated this technique, using Wonder Woman's (then) week old baby girl. The one who hadn't pooped yet? Very effective.)

3. If your baby gets diaper rash, clean her off in a nice warm bath or shower, using Cetaphil or a similar soap-free cleanser. Pat the bum dry afterwards, slather on Desitin and put plenty of diaper powder in the diaper. When your baby wakes up in the morning, the diaper rash should be mostly healed. At the very least, it should be better. If your diaper rash specimen is bleeding, don't ask me what to do. This has never happened to my baby, therefore it is an Urban Legend and doesn't happen in the real world. I've never seen it, it doesn't happen. Moving on. (Never mind that I regularly afflicted my mother with the treatment of bleeding, nasty diaper rashes 27 years ago. I don't remember it. That doesn't count. )

4. If your toddler decides on, say, a Friday that all she wants to eat is cheddar cheese and bananas, thankyouverymuch, be prepared for a fairly poop-free weekend. Should you wish to end your poop-hiatus, feed your child as much Orange Juice (watered down, half and half) as she likes. She will then proceed to poop upwards of 5 times a day for several days, and eat like a horse. You can thank me later.

5. If you should desire that your precious toddler sleep through the night, this is very simply done. Wait for an evening when your little Precious One wakes you up at least twice. When the sun finally rises, haul yourself out of your bed a third time to go and retrieve your (now very cranky) toddler. Hand your toddler over to her Doting Grandparents. (What, you don't keep yours in the cupboard? Run out now and get some before Costco is all out! They always sell out quickest before the holidays.) While the toddler is distracted, hide Every. Last. Bottle. in the house. Hide all the lids, hide all the bottles, hide all the little nipples. Then, hand your Precious One a sippy cup full of warm milk. When she refuses it, calmly put it back in the fridge and never mention Bottles again. If she asks for a bottle, hand her a piece of toast. Don't back down, don't waver. There will be no tantrums, there will be no excessive looking for hidden bottles. (Remember, I have exactly One Child, so I'm an expert here.) Enjoy your 8 hours of sleep!

(Unless of course you're 7 months pregnant...then, enjoy going to bed at 1 AM because your precious Baby Boy is about to come down with a nasty case of the hiccups every. single. night. just as you're about to go to sleep. Too bad, so sad. The only thing that can cure a Baby Boy of hiccups is to have his toddler sister chew him out by pressing her mouth against your belly and feeding her lines. Unless, of course, your toddler is sound asleep because you hid all her bottles and she has no reason to wake up. In that case....yeah, you're going to bed at 1. I suggest opening an Etsy shoppe to kill time.)

(Kiss: FAIL. Sorry, Ernie.)