American Idol: Finale, 2010!

MAJOR STINKIN’ SPOILER ALERT: I’m about to tell you EVERYTHING that happened in tonight’s show, including the winner. If you don’t want to know yet, STOP READING NOW. You’re welcome, and have a nice day. *mwah*

This is the finale, and this is American Idol! (I don’t know if you’re actually watching this, but Lee, in the opening shot, looks about as lively as a wax statue.)

Lee and Crystal are looking rather dashing in their….school uniforms??? Interesting.

Now, back to delight us, our Top 12. Here are our boys, “dancing.” Heh. Here come the girls. It’s all starting to make sense now. “School’s out for summer…school’s out for-evah!”

Now, here’s (I’m probably going to butcher this) Alice Cooper? An old, long-haired rocker with goth make-up and leather duds. Oh, and a baton.

Now Chris Allen is going to sing for us….and Ryan Seacrest’s mic is going to stay ‘live’ for about 10 seconds. Heh. Gotta love live! (Hey, Chris! You’re doing great!)

Tonight is not only the end of a season, but the end of an…era. Here’s our farewell to Simon Cowell.  Let’s check out some of his “low lights.” The man everybody loves to hate.

And now, Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly, with World of Fools. Wow! I would never have paired these two, but they sound great together. And now there are two other guys. (Doesn’t my knowledge of music culture astound you?) One of the guys has a brown beard and grey long hair. The other has blue glasses, and his microphone doesn’t appear to be on.

Here’s Big Mike, Takin it to the Streets. Now, Michael McDonald joins him. (Mom, if you’re reading this, I REALLY wish you were here. You’d know who all these people are!!!)

And now, a special song, set to Simon’s Best Insults, sung by Dane Cook. This could be a hit!  And now, all the misfits have stormed the stage. Oh, help.

Lacey is going to sing for us now, Beautiful. There’s DiDi. And now Katie Stevens. And….ok. All the girls are coming on one by one. Let’s leave it at that. Now we’re singing Fighter. (I’m having flashbacks to Glee. Have they done a Christina episode yet?) And there’s Christina. Channeling Evita. Or Princess Leia. But she sounds a-ma-zing. As always. She uses her voice like someone would use an intricate instrument. She’s just talented. Let’s leave it at that.  (Umm…dude? She’s wearing tights…and tap pants? Alrighty then. Interesting.) Ok, I’ve got to say it one more time. This song takes MAJOR skill. I’m gushing, but I can’t get over this. This melody is so complicated. Alright – shutting up now.  (Lo Gung had to butt in – Christina has class. She has naughty songs…but she chose not to sing them. Not like…some other singers. *cough cough LADYGAGA*)

Live, via satellite, Ricky Gervais is here to say some words to Simon. He’s a funny dude.

Lee, singing Easy Rider. And all the rest of the guys! (Note: The only redeeming quality of their atrocious choreography?  Tim Urban’s in short sleeves, and he’s been working out. Good job, buddy.) And now here’s Hall and Oates!

Crystal Bowersox, singing Ironic. This is bringing back memories for me. “Jagged Little Pill” was the first thing I ever “won” (I called into a radio station, and also scored a pair of tickets to see Alanis in concert. My Mom and I went. Good times. I was 13.) Now they’re singing You Oughta Know, the family friendly version. Awesome stuff…if you’d never heard the original, you’d never know. heh. (Here’s another tidbit – I always “forwarded” over the Big Bad Word in this song. At some point, the CD must have gotten scratched, because no matter how much I fast forwarded, it would always play That Word first thing when I stopped. I got so mad one night, I pulled the CD out of the player and broke it into pieces. That will teach you to swear at me! haha)

Now, for Carrie Underwood! She’s wearing an Ode To Ruffles and Zippers vest. Interesting. But the girl knows how to own a stage. She’s a natural.

Now Lee and Crystal are presented their new Fiestas, with the graphics they designed. (Dude, could you guys act any less enthusiastic? I had the same reaction the last time someone gave me a car…but I hadn’t slept in about 36 hours, so I felt kind of justified. Everything felt like a hallucination at that point.) (I had just come home from 15 months in Hong Kong…and yeah. Long time no sleep.)

And now Casey James! Every Rose Has Its Thorn. And another blond guy! He was on The Apprentice this year. (Guys, I should just stop now. This is like Blast from the Past Night in Crazyville, and I have no idea who any of these people are. Are they trying to make the current crop of contestants look more current by putting them next to people who had hits before they were born?) And…Casey is most comfortable just jamming out on his guitar. He looks like he’s having fun!

And now, Lee Dewyze and Chicago (because it’s named after his home town).

Another tribute to Simon Cowell. 

And now PANTS ON DA GROUND. Welcome back, General Platt. We’ve missed you. (Dude can groove!) And here’s William Hung. Our night has hit a new low.

And now Paula’s back! Standing O, and a little Barbie Pink dress. She’s going to give all the judges some compliments. And Awwwwww…Simon’s going to miss us!

Hi, Kelly Clarkson! And Reuben! And Fantasia! And Carrie Underwood! And Jordan Sparks! And Taylor Hicks! And Chris Allen! (Where’s David Cook??!) Hi, loads of past non-winners-but-still-awesomes and this year’s top 12!  And let’s shove Simon up on stage as well, and see if he cries!

(Does anyone else think that tonight is all about Simon, and very little about the two contestants that  are about to find out if they won??)

Hello, top 12, and hello Janet Jackson! (Wow! She sounds a LOT like Michael.) Hey! Another blast from the past. Nasty Boys.

A little video of Crystal and Lee…they both came form the Chicago auditions…and I really, really want to hear them sing “Falling” again. Please?

No such luck. A little  Get By with a Little Help and then welcome Mr. Joe Cocker to the stage. (Did I totally butcher his name?)

And now…dim the lights, and let’s get to it! After the nationwide vote, I can now tell you the winner of American Idol 2010 is…..Lee Dewyze. Congratulations, Lee! Mama Sox, of course, is all hugs and support for him. She’s awesome.

Lee is….overcome. And now…he’s got to sing Beautiful Day. Here come the glitter, streamers, sparks….loads of confetti. Good job, dude.